November 14: The Most Animal Filled Day I have Ever Experienced in A Long Time

For all you animal lovers out there, this post is for you. Personally, I'm not that big on animals. Besides the occassional doggy play internation with my friends' dog, my life has been animal-free since I owned a gold fish (or was it a turtle) when I was living with my aunt and uncle in junior high. As I grew up, pets and animals no longer interested me. Dogs are nice, and they're fun to play with from time to time, but the moment they slobber all over me with their wet slimy tongues, that's when I'm done--the end of all love and affection towards all dogs.

Lately, I've been surrounded by animal lovers, particularly dog lovers. Actually, I should say this close encounter with dogs really began in college. For some reason, people around me either have dogs or at least love dogs with great affection, and I must say, I think they're beginning to have an effect on me.

Feeling Like A Kid Again!



Doggy Play!!!....or, More Like An Attack!! JK.

Taiwanese Parents, Culturual Conflicts, and A Confused Identity

There's so much on my mind right now. Prior to the past 11 days, I've been working like I've never worked before--21 weeks of school, 1 three day weekend, 5 Saturday (6 day) work weeks , 2 weeks of winter school, and that's the bear minimum. I'll go crazy if I even begin to start thinking about how much more work is ahead of me after this Saturday (cuz I start working this SUNDAY)!!!! Therefore, I must get my thoughts out of my system before I let it get to me.

I'm not doing too well--physically, emotionally, and maybe spiritually as well, but that one is a bit more difficult to tell. I don't think I am in a terrible condition, but then again, does anyone ever really know how well they are doing? I mean, sometimes, due to circumstances, people just don't have time to answer questions like, "how are you feeling?" let alone think of an answer for such kinds of question. Prior to my entrance into the "real" world, my feelings, my emotional state, my spiritual well being was a high priority. I was surrounded friends and family that made sure I got my dose of "feeling check" reality, making sure that I was in line with whatever I needed to deal with at the time.

I'm not sure how much it is about being in the "real world" as it is about being in Taiwan, but my life, my attitude, my way of living has all changed drastically...eh...more like...terribly interrupted. It is as if God had pressed the pause button on my life in the States and transported me into another space for me to just aimlessly, at times emotionlessly (yes, I'm making up that word), live through this weird period of my life. Yes, I did choose to come here, but I did not ask for this kind of life. I no longer have time to take a breath and just breath in all that I have experienced, take in all the conversations I had, or process everything that I have observed and encountered. It's suffocating. And I realized, this is not me. This is not the life I can survive in.

I did, and I am, getting a lot out of this experience though. I'm not sure if I can put it all into words at the moment, however, I'll try my best.

Let's go with the most recent event first: Chinese new year visit(s). I wish I was more American sometimes—where I can bring myself to say the hell with tradition, the hell with buying gifts for strangers, the hell with relatives that I barely know! Not to say that Americans don't value tradition. However, the consequences doesn't seem to be as sever as it is in Asian culture (I'm not going to go into how, but if you're Asian, or a minority, maybe you can understand). No matter how discomforting, how annoying, how fake I feel when I partake in these cultural practices, I still do it. I'm not sure why I feel obligated to do these things, but it doesn't feel right to me if I dismiss it either. For instance calling and/or visiting relatives and parents' acquaintances are two of the cultural norms that I'm constantly reminded to do by my parents and aunt. Now, if I had stayed in the States my entire life, if my parents didn't decide to move back to Taiwan after my sister was born, I wouldn't be having this problem. However, this is how my elders justify their reasoning: "oh, but they've seen you grown when you were a kid" (direct Chinese to English translation). In other words, they know you and you know them...right.

All this goes back to the issue of my ever so conflicting Taiwanese American identity. Sometimes I fear that I'm never going to figure out how to balance the two. I often ask myself, Must I only choose one? Must one dominate over the other? Is it impossible for both identities to coexist? Am I the only one that preoccupies my mind with this? Some people probably already have their answers to such questions. Others might not even care to get such questions answered. As much as I wish I didn't have this frustration, a good portion of my life is about the cultural tensions that I am constantly hammered with. It's my reality, and it's unavoidable. Not that I had it all figured out when I was in the States, but being in Taiwan is making my head spin all over again. My irritations, annoyances, frustrations at work, with my relatives, and with this society all boils down to cultural conflicts. Every discussion I've had with my co-workers about the problems we have with our students and administration all lead to one answer, culture. The problem is the Chinese culture, one said. They can't think outside the box, said another. It's all about connections. They only care about the scores, the numbers. Tradition. Culture.

My head hurts now. Can't think anymore. I'm done. Sorry for the abrupt ending, but like all of my entries, there's not much point to them or food for thought. I'll write something more positive next time (cuz I do have a lot of great anecdotes to share)! If you're reading, whoever you are, thanks for making it to the end. Truly.

Purging

I've stop purging for awhile now (and no, I don't mean the bulimic type of purging). What I mean is, I've stopped dishing out my shit because my current life does not give me the time of day to even eat properly, sleep properly, or catch a breath of air--let alone allowing me to deal with my personal life issues.

Up until this past Thursday, I couldn't remember when was the last time I've actually dealt with my own emotions. I've been so concerned about others, caring for others' futures and current state in life, that I've completely put my shit on hold.

I broke down at work on Thursday. It was the first time where I could no longer hold in my anger and frustration. The school was asking for a tedious request from me, and that pushed me over the edge. I cried like I would use to cry front of my roommates after months of bottled up emotions. I unleashed everything (well, as much as I could), saying things that I would normally just keep to myself. It wasn't until then that I realized how long it's been since I've actually shared with someone my "true" feelings about anything (well, besides the daily rants about work with my co-workers). So much has been going on with me personally. However, I didn't realize it until that day because I've been working like a high-speed train, going at full force, working my ass off until I crashed. Even though purging out my frustrations at work helped to some extent, I still feel like "throwing up."

I've always had crap in my life, and with the help of Christ, I've always had no problems facing them. However, back in the States, I at least had the time and the people around me to deal with it. Now, I have neither. There's absolutely no one around me that can understand me completely and make me feel 100% comfortable enough to put my guard down.

I miss home. I really do. I miss my friends, my family, I even miss Downers Grove.

I miss my house. I miss my car. I miss my park.

I miss having long conversations with my girl friends (I miss you guys so much that I am even using the word "girlfriends"). I miss having random family meals at my relatives houses. I miss sleeping in the same room as my sister and throwing things at her in the middle of the night to stop her from snoring.

I miss the cool breeze and the orange/yellow trees of fall, the piercing wind of winter, and the warm fuzzy feeling I get when sipping a cup of hot chocolate in front of the fire place.

Yes, I miss home. However, despite the fact that I'm terribly homesick and that my job sucks the life out of me, I'm really grateful and pleased for being where I am in life. If I had not left Downers Grove, I wouldn't have met the people I've met, been as intrigued and inspired as I have been, and loved working with kids/teens as much I have in the past year or so.

I came to Taiwan not knowing what I wanted to do with my future. Now, it's becoming a bit more clear to me. My hope is, by the time I'm done with Taiwan, I can go back home with a concrete plan, a clear direction, and a great vision to push me forward and actually make an impact on the people around me. As for now, I shall continue to try to live life in such a way that would show, and allow me to share with others, my passion for kids, my heart for education, and my love for Christ.

This One is for All My Asian FOB Friends at Home

So for my 23rd birthday, I went all out Taiwanese style: all night karaoke (well, it wasn't exactly all night since I had to work the next day)!

This was the lobby of the karaoke place (doesn't it look like a hotel lobby?).

Apparently this place had like, I think eight to ten floors (probably more)! An entire building of people karaokeing away (and doing many other things that are not exactly appropriate to write about for this entry).

Early Christmas decoration (*Sigh* a reminder that I wouldn't be home for Christmas).


Welcome to the karaoke booth!


We provide a high-tech system for all your singing pleasures,


A flat screen television set with surround sound,


And...pizza?

Well, they didn't exactly provide the food, but no, you are not mistaken. What you are seeing is what they call, a pizza--topped with some kind of meat, green beans, and some other things that were obviously not worth remembering (oh, and if I'm not mistaken, I believe the white stuff on top was mayonnaise). Doesn't sound too pleasant, does it? All I can say, even though it wasn't as bad as it looked (or sounded), I would rather have a cheesy, greasy, and incredibly unhealth slice of Chicago deep-dish pizza, any day!

So just like that, I turned into a vibrant, fresh out of college, 24 year old adult. Wait, 24?

That was my reaction when I saw the candles. Apparently, once you step into Asia, you are to operate by the Chinese calender. So that means, once I had crossed into the borders of Asia, I had been transported into the future and lost a year's worth of life!!! (Ok, that was not funny AT ALL, nor did it make ANY sense! Nevertheless, I will keep what i just typed so that people can finally know what strange thoughts run through my mind sometimes. and i'm sure EVERYONE wants to know about that! Right...)

To be honest, I was taken back a bit by the sight of the 24 though. The idea of being 24 years old at this point in my life sounds...slightly depressing, mainly because nothing has really started in my life yet (at least, that's how I feel). and if I was "really" 24 years old, I would feel like I had wasted my early adult years. I have noticed though that people here have a slightly different perspective on age and all its associations--definitions and ideals of maturity, what is considered as "young," and more. I could go on with this, but again, not the most appropriate entry for this topic.

ANYWAYS, I must say, despite of not being able to be with family and friends, I had a good time that night--and I owe it all to Su-ning Jie Jie. She's been a tremendous blessing to me and I am truly grateful for all that she has done for me. I hope I can be a blessing to her as well.

So that was how I spent my birthday!

Yay for God! and Happy Birthday to Me!

FINALLY! COOLER WEATHER!

Paise the Lord! The weather FINALLY cooled down. I was finally able to take out my long sleeves and wear my jackets this week! The weather dropped down to around 18 degrees celsius(so around the 60s in fahrenheit?). Most places in Taiwan do not have heaters, so it can get pretty cold here. Even though I'm from Chicago, what makes the cold bearable is because of those heaters. So I'm not sure how I'll handle the cold. We'll just have to wait and see how I'll survive it when winter comes around.

Since it got cooler, my cousin brought me to this restaurant where people often go when it gets cold. Here are some pictures:


Ginger duck hot pot!

A pot filled with yummy goodness (tofu, mushrooms, cabbage, pork's blood rice cakes, duck meat, some rice wine, and LOTS of ginger)!!!!

Cousin Su-ning (notice how she's still wearing short sleeves? It actually wasn't THAT cold yet, but it was cold enough to go eat the hot pot)!

The two of us ate the whole entire pot by ourselves! I was quite amazed by how much we were able to eat. It was really good though. This was actually my third time eating hot pot in Taiwan. I don't have pictures from the first time I ate hot pot (which was less traditional but just as amazing), but I have pictures from the second time.

The next set of pictures was when my mom came to Hsinchu to visit:

Doesn't it look amazing! Mmmm meat! :)

Individual mini hot pots!

My attempt to get everyone in the picture, including the food.

Lastly, a picture of me and mom.

Symptoms of Home Sickness

Symptom #1: mild case insomnia
I've been having trouble sleeping. Wherever I sleep, I don't feel at easy. Even though I have my own place now, I still don't feel at home. My bed, my room, everything feels and smells foreign and strange. The only reason why I've been able to fall asleep these days is due to exhaustion. My work load has not been too bad, but the English department of the school is a mess and so I've been thrown into a situation where all I can do is just deal with it and hope for the best.

Symptom #2: disorientation of time and space
I'm not sure if this can be considered as a symptom, but I'm going to count it as one anyways. Even though I've only been in Taiwan for just a little over a month, it feels like it's been months!!! I sometimes wake up thinking, "Where am I? Why am I in Taiwan in November?"

Symptom #3: intense cravings for home food
I WANT MY AMERICAN FOOOOOOOD! I've been craving for a grilled burger, mashed potatoes with gravy, pancakes, starbucks' seasonal pumpkin spice latte, and brownies with vanilla ice cream! If I had a kitchen and a vehicle that could bring me to a grocery store, I would so buy the ingredients and make them myself. Unfortunately, I do not have that luxury. Don't get me wrong though, I've been eating some grrrreat good over here. But I still miss my American foods!

One Month!

As of yesterday, I've been in Taiwan for one whole month! It's been awhile since I stayed in Taiwan for over two weeks. I'm beginning to miss home quite terribly.

Work has been chaotic. It's a long story and time spent on the internet is quite limited since I haven't gotten my computer fixed. Let's just say, work is...interesting. It's not the greatest job, but I'm learning quite a bit. Not about the job, but about the field, about cross-cultural work environments, about the internation market, etc.

Unfortantely, I don't have the time to share in this entry, but I will most definitely share with y'all as soon as I have the time and internet access.

Learning My Way Around

I find it funny how things turn out some times. I once hated English. Now, not only do I have an English degree, I'm an English teacher. Yup, I got a job today! What is also ironic is that I'm going to be teaching kids, little kids at that. Why is that ironic? Because I intentionally majored in English so that I wouldn't have to work with kids! That was not the only reason why I switched, but it was "a" reason. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE kids! I really do. I just didn't think I had the natural talent to actually work with them. I don't really know how to communicate with kids, at least not like some people I know. I'm not sure if the job is going to be long-term, but you never know. The school also has a cram school with older kids. So I might be able to work with those kids in the future.

I still don't know which "career" I want to pursue or what it is I want to do with my life exactly, but I'm beginning to think that it should not be a big concern of mine, at lest for now. Living here has changed my perspective a bit. I'm beginning to see that life does not necessarily have to be a certain way, and that alternative life styles aren't a matter of better or worse, but just different. Besides those people living the hustle and bustle of city life, most people in Taiwan live quite candidly. Actually, simple is a better word to describe the general life style here (although, there are certain things that they are much more open about). This kind of simplicity is quite different from the States. I'm not sure how to describe it. Even though the life style is simple, the culture is quite saturated, and complex. Taiwan is young in many ways, but it is packed with a rich history that clearly governs the way things are today.

As an American, there are many things happening here that I don't understand. And for the most part, people are understanding of my situation. However, I am constantly being reminded of the words that my uncle said to me upon the first day of my arrival. He said, "Now that you're living here, you have to learn about and act in the ways of our culture. You cannot use your American perspective and live here with your American ways."

It's been challenging living here, interesting at the same time. Racial discrimination, classism, gender identification, all of it takes on a different shape here. It's like I've been thrown into a social and cultural jungle, and all of the sudden, I'm suppose to know how to act and behave. People don't see me as an American here. At work, I'm suppose to be as "American" as possible so that the parents would not doubt the "authenticity" of my English skills. And when I'm outside of work, I'm suppose to be fully Taiwanese despite of the hesitant expressions on people's faces because I don't dress very Taiwanese.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I just needed to dish out some thoughts that's been preoccupying my mind these days. I have more, but it's already taken me a long time to type this entry out. So I'm done for now. Peace out!

A Few Facts

Fact: God is faithful.
God has been revealing Himself to me here and there (not physically of course). Unfortunately, it's been tough tracing and following God's footsteps. I have no idea where God is leading me, or what He wants me to do here.

Fact: God provides.
I finally have an interview! It's tomorrow. I'm nervous, but...I don't know. I try not to think about how I'm feeling because it does me no good. If I think too much, I will begin to fear that I wouldn't get the job and will have to continue to feel the way I've been feeling, stuck and clueless as to what I'm doing here.

Fact: I need prayer.
I've been here for 13 days. 77 days till my visa expires. In the next 77 days, I need to get job, find an apartment, check-out churchs, and learn how to live in Taiwan on my own!


(I meant to post this yesterday, but I decided to post it today anyway)

IT'S BEEN ONE WEEK ALREADY!!!

Yup! I've been in Taiwan for a FULL week now. It already feels like I've been here for awhile. During the first half of the week, I traveled to three different counties and five different cities, rod on the Taipei MRT buses and subway for the very first time, and ate as if I haven't eaten food for months! Now I'm in Sun Moon Lake, waiting and planning out my next steps.

So far, I would say my experience in Taiwan has been...interesting. I've been using this word a lot these days. Even though I have lived in Taiwan before, and have visited a couple of times while I was in the States, there is never a dull moment in Taiwan. For instances, people speak really loud here. When they speak fast, it seems like they're yelling or fighting and I LOVE IT! It seriously is a Taiwanese thing. Chinese people probably talk loud too, but Taiwanese people sound loud AND mean when they are in an intense conversation! The kids can be so rude here, it's great! I know it seems odd for me to say that, but I can't help but chuckle whenever I hear kids shout with all their might and demand for something like they rule world. I laugh because those kids remind me so much of myself when I was a kid.

I don't know why, but kids here are on such opposite extremes. They are either really quite, gentle, and obedient, or they are mean, demanding, and tough. I don't know why kids feel like they have to behave this way. When I moved back to the States in junior high, I remembered thinking to myself, "What was wrong with me? Why did I feel that I had to be mean all the time?" There has to be a cultural or social reason for this. With time, I'm sure I'll be able to figure something out. I guess we'll just have to wait and see!

I'm not a blogger

There are reasons why I stopped blogging:

- it takes up too much time
- it requires too much effort (at least for me it does), and...
- it gives me unnecessary stress (the thought of people reading my writing and thoughts makes me incredibly nervous)

HOWEVER, since I'm abroad now, I GUESS I need to considering the ones who actually care about what goes on in my life. SO, here is an invitation for all ya all who desire to read the random observations I make and the thoughts that go through my mind (and trust me, there's more than I can ever share). I hope you guys will appreciate it cuz it's more for you guys than anything else! To show your love, dropping a line once in awhile would be grrrreat!

Thanks!
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