Taiwanese Parents, Culturual Conflicts, and A Confused Identity

There's so much on my mind right now. Prior to the past 11 days, I've been working like I've never worked before--21 weeks of school, 1 three day weekend, 5 Saturday (6 day) work weeks , 2 weeks of winter school, and that's the bear minimum. I'll go crazy if I even begin to start thinking about how much more work is ahead of me after this Saturday (cuz I start working this SUNDAY)!!!! Therefore, I must get my thoughts out of my system before I let it get to me.

I'm not doing too well--physically, emotionally, and maybe spiritually as well, but that one is a bit more difficult to tell. I don't think I am in a terrible condition, but then again, does anyone ever really know how well they are doing? I mean, sometimes, due to circumstances, people just don't have time to answer questions like, "how are you feeling?" let alone think of an answer for such kinds of question. Prior to my entrance into the "real" world, my feelings, my emotional state, my spiritual well being was a high priority. I was surrounded friends and family that made sure I got my dose of "feeling check" reality, making sure that I was in line with whatever I needed to deal with at the time.

I'm not sure how much it is about being in the "real world" as it is about being in Taiwan, but my life, my attitude, my way of living has all changed drastically...eh...more like...terribly interrupted. It is as if God had pressed the pause button on my life in the States and transported me into another space for me to just aimlessly, at times emotionlessly (yes, I'm making up that word), live through this weird period of my life. Yes, I did choose to come here, but I did not ask for this kind of life. I no longer have time to take a breath and just breath in all that I have experienced, take in all the conversations I had, or process everything that I have observed and encountered. It's suffocating. And I realized, this is not me. This is not the life I can survive in.

I did, and I am, getting a lot out of this experience though. I'm not sure if I can put it all into words at the moment, however, I'll try my best.

Let's go with the most recent event first: Chinese new year visit(s). I wish I was more American sometimes—where I can bring myself to say the hell with tradition, the hell with buying gifts for strangers, the hell with relatives that I barely know! Not to say that Americans don't value tradition. However, the consequences doesn't seem to be as sever as it is in Asian culture (I'm not going to go into how, but if you're Asian, or a minority, maybe you can understand). No matter how discomforting, how annoying, how fake I feel when I partake in these cultural practices, I still do it. I'm not sure why I feel obligated to do these things, but it doesn't feel right to me if I dismiss it either. For instance calling and/or visiting relatives and parents' acquaintances are two of the cultural norms that I'm constantly reminded to do by my parents and aunt. Now, if I had stayed in the States my entire life, if my parents didn't decide to move back to Taiwan after my sister was born, I wouldn't be having this problem. However, this is how my elders justify their reasoning: "oh, but they've seen you grown when you were a kid" (direct Chinese to English translation). In other words, they know you and you know them...right.

All this goes back to the issue of my ever so conflicting Taiwanese American identity. Sometimes I fear that I'm never going to figure out how to balance the two. I often ask myself, Must I only choose one? Must one dominate over the other? Is it impossible for both identities to coexist? Am I the only one that preoccupies my mind with this? Some people probably already have their answers to such questions. Others might not even care to get such questions answered. As much as I wish I didn't have this frustration, a good portion of my life is about the cultural tensions that I am constantly hammered with. It's my reality, and it's unavoidable. Not that I had it all figured out when I was in the States, but being in Taiwan is making my head spin all over again. My irritations, annoyances, frustrations at work, with my relatives, and with this society all boils down to cultural conflicts. Every discussion I've had with my co-workers about the problems we have with our students and administration all lead to one answer, culture. The problem is the Chinese culture, one said. They can't think outside the box, said another. It's all about connections. They only care about the scores, the numbers. Tradition. Culture.

My head hurts now. Can't think anymore. I'm done. Sorry for the abrupt ending, but like all of my entries, there's not much point to them or food for thought. I'll write something more positive next time (cuz I do have a lot of great anecdotes to share)! If you're reading, whoever you are, thanks for making it to the end. Truly.

Learning My Way Around

I find it funny how things turn out some times. I once hated English. Now, not only do I have an English degree, I'm an English teacher. Yup, I got a job today! What is also ironic is that I'm going to be teaching kids, little kids at that. Why is that ironic? Because I intentionally majored in English so that I wouldn't have to work with kids! That was not the only reason why I switched, but it was "a" reason. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE kids! I really do. I just didn't think I had the natural talent to actually work with them. I don't really know how to communicate with kids, at least not like some people I know. I'm not sure if the job is going to be long-term, but you never know. The school also has a cram school with older kids. So I might be able to work with those kids in the future.

I still don't know which "career" I want to pursue or what it is I want to do with my life exactly, but I'm beginning to think that it should not be a big concern of mine, at lest for now. Living here has changed my perspective a bit. I'm beginning to see that life does not necessarily have to be a certain way, and that alternative life styles aren't a matter of better or worse, but just different. Besides those people living the hustle and bustle of city life, most people in Taiwan live quite candidly. Actually, simple is a better word to describe the general life style here (although, there are certain things that they are much more open about). This kind of simplicity is quite different from the States. I'm not sure how to describe it. Even though the life style is simple, the culture is quite saturated, and complex. Taiwan is young in many ways, but it is packed with a rich history that clearly governs the way things are today.

As an American, there are many things happening here that I don't understand. And for the most part, people are understanding of my situation. However, I am constantly being reminded of the words that my uncle said to me upon the first day of my arrival. He said, "Now that you're living here, you have to learn about and act in the ways of our culture. You cannot use your American perspective and live here with your American ways."

It's been challenging living here, interesting at the same time. Racial discrimination, classism, gender identification, all of it takes on a different shape here. It's like I've been thrown into a social and cultural jungle, and all of the sudden, I'm suppose to know how to act and behave. People don't see me as an American here. At work, I'm suppose to be as "American" as possible so that the parents would not doubt the "authenticity" of my English skills. And when I'm outside of work, I'm suppose to be fully Taiwanese despite of the hesitant expressions on people's faces because I don't dress very Taiwanese.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I just needed to dish out some thoughts that's been preoccupying my mind these days. I have more, but it's already taken me a long time to type this entry out. So I'm done for now. Peace out!

IT'S BEEN ONE WEEK ALREADY!!!

Yup! I've been in Taiwan for a FULL week now. It already feels like I've been here for awhile. During the first half of the week, I traveled to three different counties and five different cities, rod on the Taipei MRT buses and subway for the very first time, and ate as if I haven't eaten food for months! Now I'm in Sun Moon Lake, waiting and planning out my next steps.

So far, I would say my experience in Taiwan has been...interesting. I've been using this word a lot these days. Even though I have lived in Taiwan before, and have visited a couple of times while I was in the States, there is never a dull moment in Taiwan. For instances, people speak really loud here. When they speak fast, it seems like they're yelling or fighting and I LOVE IT! It seriously is a Taiwanese thing. Chinese people probably talk loud too, but Taiwanese people sound loud AND mean when they are in an intense conversation! The kids can be so rude here, it's great! I know it seems odd for me to say that, but I can't help but chuckle whenever I hear kids shout with all their might and demand for something like they rule world. I laugh because those kids remind me so much of myself when I was a kid.

I don't know why, but kids here are on such opposite extremes. They are either really quite, gentle, and obedient, or they are mean, demanding, and tough. I don't know why kids feel like they have to behave this way. When I moved back to the States in junior high, I remembered thinking to myself, "What was wrong with me? Why did I feel that I had to be mean all the time?" There has to be a cultural or social reason for this. With time, I'm sure I'll be able to figure something out. I guess we'll just have to wait and see!