November 14: The Most Animal Filled Day I have Ever Experienced in A Long Time

For all you animal lovers out there, this post is for you. Personally, I'm not that big on animals. Besides the occassional doggy play internation with my friends' dog, my life has been animal-free since I owned a gold fish (or was it a turtle) when I was living with my aunt and uncle in junior high. As I grew up, pets and animals no longer interested me. Dogs are nice, and they're fun to play with from time to time, but the moment they slobber all over me with their wet slimy tongues, that's when I'm done--the end of all love and affection towards all dogs.

Lately, I've been surrounded by animal lovers, particularly dog lovers. Actually, I should say this close encounter with dogs really began in college. For some reason, people around me either have dogs or at least love dogs with great affection, and I must say, I think they're beginning to have an effect on me.

Feeling Like A Kid Again!



Doggy Play!!!....or, More Like An Attack!! JK.

Taiwanese Parents, Culturual Conflicts, and A Confused Identity

There's so much on my mind right now. Prior to the past 11 days, I've been working like I've never worked before--21 weeks of school, 1 three day weekend, 5 Saturday (6 day) work weeks , 2 weeks of winter school, and that's the bear minimum. I'll go crazy if I even begin to start thinking about how much more work is ahead of me after this Saturday (cuz I start working this SUNDAY)!!!! Therefore, I must get my thoughts out of my system before I let it get to me.

I'm not doing too well--physically, emotionally, and maybe spiritually as well, but that one is a bit more difficult to tell. I don't think I am in a terrible condition, but then again, does anyone ever really know how well they are doing? I mean, sometimes, due to circumstances, people just don't have time to answer questions like, "how are you feeling?" let alone think of an answer for such kinds of question. Prior to my entrance into the "real" world, my feelings, my emotional state, my spiritual well being was a high priority. I was surrounded friends and family that made sure I got my dose of "feeling check" reality, making sure that I was in line with whatever I needed to deal with at the time.

I'm not sure how much it is about being in the "real world" as it is about being in Taiwan, but my life, my attitude, my way of living has all changed drastically...eh...more like...terribly interrupted. It is as if God had pressed the pause button on my life in the States and transported me into another space for me to just aimlessly, at times emotionlessly (yes, I'm making up that word), live through this weird period of my life. Yes, I did choose to come here, but I did not ask for this kind of life. I no longer have time to take a breath and just breath in all that I have experienced, take in all the conversations I had, or process everything that I have observed and encountered. It's suffocating. And I realized, this is not me. This is not the life I can survive in.

I did, and I am, getting a lot out of this experience though. I'm not sure if I can put it all into words at the moment, however, I'll try my best.

Let's go with the most recent event first: Chinese new year visit(s). I wish I was more American sometimes—where I can bring myself to say the hell with tradition, the hell with buying gifts for strangers, the hell with relatives that I barely know! Not to say that Americans don't value tradition. However, the consequences doesn't seem to be as sever as it is in Asian culture (I'm not going to go into how, but if you're Asian, or a minority, maybe you can understand). No matter how discomforting, how annoying, how fake I feel when I partake in these cultural practices, I still do it. I'm not sure why I feel obligated to do these things, but it doesn't feel right to me if I dismiss it either. For instance calling and/or visiting relatives and parents' acquaintances are two of the cultural norms that I'm constantly reminded to do by my parents and aunt. Now, if I had stayed in the States my entire life, if my parents didn't decide to move back to Taiwan after my sister was born, I wouldn't be having this problem. However, this is how my elders justify their reasoning: "oh, but they've seen you grown when you were a kid" (direct Chinese to English translation). In other words, they know you and you know them...right.

All this goes back to the issue of my ever so conflicting Taiwanese American identity. Sometimes I fear that I'm never going to figure out how to balance the two. I often ask myself, Must I only choose one? Must one dominate over the other? Is it impossible for both identities to coexist? Am I the only one that preoccupies my mind with this? Some people probably already have their answers to such questions. Others might not even care to get such questions answered. As much as I wish I didn't have this frustration, a good portion of my life is about the cultural tensions that I am constantly hammered with. It's my reality, and it's unavoidable. Not that I had it all figured out when I was in the States, but being in Taiwan is making my head spin all over again. My irritations, annoyances, frustrations at work, with my relatives, and with this society all boils down to cultural conflicts. Every discussion I've had with my co-workers about the problems we have with our students and administration all lead to one answer, culture. The problem is the Chinese culture, one said. They can't think outside the box, said another. It's all about connections. They only care about the scores, the numbers. Tradition. Culture.

My head hurts now. Can't think anymore. I'm done. Sorry for the abrupt ending, but like all of my entries, there's not much point to them or food for thought. I'll write something more positive next time (cuz I do have a lot of great anecdotes to share)! If you're reading, whoever you are, thanks for making it to the end. Truly.