I've stop purging for awhile now (and no, I don't mean the bulimic type of purging). What I mean is, I've stopped dishing out my shit because my current life does not give me the time of day to even eat properly, sleep properly, or catch a breath of air--let alone allowing me to deal with my personal life issues.
Up until this past Thursday, I couldn't remember when was the last time I've actually dealt with my own emotions. I've been so concerned about others, caring for others' futures and current state in life, that I've completely put my shit on hold.
I broke down at work on Thursday. It was the first time where I could no longer hold in my anger and frustration. The school was asking for a tedious request from me, and that pushed me over the edge. I cried like I would use to cry front of my roommates after months of bottled up emotions. I unleashed everything (well, as much as I could), saying things that I would normally just keep to myself. It wasn't until then that I realized how long it's been since I've actually shared with someone my "true" feelings about anything (well, besides the daily rants about work with my co-workers). So much has been going on with me personally. However, I didn't realize it until that day because I've been working like a high-speed train, going at full force, working my ass off until I crashed. Even though purging out my frustrations at work helped to some extent, I still feel like "throwing up."
I've always had crap in my life, and with the help of Christ, I've always had no problems facing them. However, back in the States, I at least had the time and the people around me to deal with it. Now, I have neither. There's absolutely no one around me that can understand me completely and make me feel 100% comfortable enough to put my guard down.
I miss home. I really do. I miss my friends, my family, I even miss Downers Grove.
I miss my house. I miss my car. I miss my park.
I miss having long conversations with my girl friends (I miss you guys so much that I am even using the word "girlfriends"). I miss having random family meals at my relatives houses. I miss sleeping in the same room as my sister and throwing things at her in the middle of the night to stop her from snoring.
I miss the cool breeze and the orange/yellow trees of fall, the piercing wind of winter, and the warm fuzzy feeling I get when sipping a cup of hot chocolate in front of the fire place.
Yes, I miss home. However, despite the fact that I'm terribly homesick and that my job sucks the life out of me, I'm really grateful and pleased for being where I am in life. If I had not left Downers Grove, I wouldn't have met the people I've met, been as intrigued and inspired as I have been, and loved working with kids/teens as much I have in the past year or so.
I came to Taiwan not knowing what I wanted to do with my future. Now, it's becoming a bit more clear to me. My hope is, by the time I'm done with Taiwan, I can go back home with a concrete plan, a clear direction, and a great vision to push me forward and actually make an impact on the people around me. As for now, I shall continue to try to live life in such a way that would show, and allow me to share with others, my passion for kids, my heart for education, and my love for Christ.
